The Last Goodbye Read online

  “Rate it on the scale.”

  When we had first moved into the flat we had thrown a house-warming party involving Mediterranean quantities of red wine. We had been horribly hungover for days afterwards. It was full on – the shakes and reactions slower than the last hour of work on a Friday evening. We felt dire for three days straight. That party was our gold-standard scale for hangovers ever since – we now rated all of our hangovers against it.

  “Eight point five.”

  “Wow, that is bad. My poor Ben!” I said, stroking his head.

  “Ouch, that hurts!”

  I laughed.

  “It’s not funny, Kate!”

  “Oh, I don’t miss hangovers. That’s definitely one of the pluses to this pregnancy business.”

  I made him a cup of strong coffee and then threw sausages, rashers and eggs into the frying pan to make a big fry-up breakfast. Normally Ben was so health-conscious that he wouldn’t touch a fried breakfast but today he was glad of the greasy salty food to feed his hangover.

  “So how about we do some baby-shopping today then – cross a few more things off the list?”

  “No, Kate, pleeeeease, not today! Any day but today!” he pleaded.

  “Don’t worry, love, I’m only winding you up. I’m not that cruel.”

  That afternoon, I persuaded Ben to take a water-taxi down the Thames to Greenwich. There was a gastro-pub there that we both loved and I had been dreaming about their sausages all morning from before I had even got out of bed. The sausages I had cooked for breakfast hadn’t killed my craving. The weather was hazy as if the clouds were just too lazy to fully move off and let the sun come through. We walked up past the Cutty Sark and along the pretty streets until we reached it. We went inside the dark interior and sat down on a comfy couch in the corner. I almost salivated over the menu even though I already knew what I was having before I even went in the door. We ordered a battered cod with mushy peas for Ben, bangers and mash for me, and Ben also asked for a bottle of beer. The pub was full of thirty-somethings like us, catching up with friends over a hearty lunch. Finally our food arrived and we both tucked in. A couple came in with their dog who lay down obediently at their feet.

  “So have you thought any more about going back to Ireland?” Ben said for what seemed like the hundredth time over the last few weeks as he cut into his cod.

  I could feel my tummy wind itself ever tighter into a knot whenever he mentioned it.

  “Can you just leave it, please, Ben?”

  “Kate, you have to face up to it – you can’t run away from it forever. When was the last time you even rang your dad?”

  “A few months ago.”

  “No, it wasn’t! It was Christmas Day, that’s when!”

  “Really?” Even I was surprised. I thought back over the last few months. He was right. It was now June – I hadn’t rung home in over six months. I’d had a missed call from Dad a few months back but I had forgotten to ring him back. I felt a pang of guilt then. Dad was getting on – he had retired from the farm and my brother Patrick had taken it on. I knew he was disappointed when I hadn’t gone home for his sixtieth the year before. The rest of them were all there of course.

  I pushed away my plate of half-eaten bangers and mash. My appetite was gone now.

  “Are you not eating that?”

  “I’m not hungry.”

  “But you’ve been banging on about the bangers here all day!” He shrugged, then pulled the plate over towards him and started taking my uneaten food and piling it all onto his own plate.

  We went home soon after and Ben went out for a run. Unlike me, his conscience always got the better of him whenever he pigged out. I was feeling sleepy so decided to climb into bed for a quick snooze. I seemed to be spending my whole life catching up on precious sleep these days.

  I had just got comfy when the buzzer went a few minutes later. I groaned, assuming it was Ben after forgetting his keys. I got out of bed and went down to the kitchen and pressed the intercom.

  When I heard Nat’s voice, I knew there was something wrong. She didn’t just drop in, she always called first.

  “What’s wrong? Has something happened?” I said as I let her in.

  Her whole body was shaking as she plonked herself down on the sofa.

  “Have you got any alcohol?”

  “Em, I only have wine . . . or hang on a minute . . .” I checked the press above the cooker. “Vodka?”

  “Vodka.”

  I poured a generous measure into a glass, mixed it with some orange juice from the fridge and handed it to her. She took a big sip and exhaled loudly.

  “Are you going to tell me what’s happened?”

  “I saw him with his family earlier in Hampstead Heath.”

  “Who? Will?”

  She nodded. “I was cycling along and there they were, having a picnic.”

  “Well, you did know he was married,” I said, trying not to sound too harsh.

  “Yeah, but it was different actually seeing them in real life. The three boys were running around on the grass in front of them – I recognised them from photos on his phone that he had shown me before. Oh, it was horrible – it only really hit me there how young they actually are, I mean Jacob has only just turned one!”

  “Did he see you?”

  “No, he didn’t. I thought I was going to fall off the bike in front of them though – my whole body just went weak but I got out of there as fast as I could.”

  “I’m sorry, Nat.”

  “Just seeing them like that – it was such a shock, y’know?”

  I nodded but I didn’t know. I wasn’t the one having an affair with a married man.

  “I’ve been thinking about it the whole way over here. Who am I kidding? He’s married, he has children. I can’t do this to his family any more. It’s very different hearing about these people because then they aren’t real to you – you’ve never met them and you can distance yourself from them. If they enter your head you can block them out again but seeing them there like that with him playing happy families – well, it made it all very real.”

  “Well, what are you going to do?”

  “I can’t do it to them any more – to the three boys especially.” She took a deep breath. “I’ve made up my mind to end it.”

  “Really?” I was shocked by her decision.

  “Yeah, Kate, I can’t do this. I love him but it’s not right. I don’t want to be a home-wrecker.”

  “I think that might be for the best, Nat,” I said softly.

  “Oh God, I’m dreading it. It’s going to be awful – the thought of not being with him is tearing me apart but I think it’s the right thing to do – before anyone else gets hurt. I can’t do it to his kids . . .”

  I was trying to leave my feelings out of it but secretly I was relieved. “You’re doing the right thing.”

  “I’m going to call him tonight and tell him.”

  “Will you be okay? Do you want me to come over?”

  “No, I think I just want to be by myself if that’s okay? It’s something that I need to do on my own.”

  “Okay, but you have to promise to ring me straight after and let me know how it goes.”

  Nat rang me that evening as she had promised.

  “So how did he take it?”

  “Not good. He was very upset. It was awful.” Her voice was quivering.

  “I’m sorry, Nat. Maybe he just doesn’t like not being in control.”

  “No, that’s not it, Kate – he was genuinely gutted. He begged me to change my mind. It’s just so hard.” Her voice broke and she began to cry. “Why does he have to be married? Why, Kate? You were right all along – you said it would all end in tears and it has – mine.”

  “Well, I don’t want to be right if that makes you feel any better. Look, are you sure you don’t want me to come over? You sound like you could use a tissue-holder?”

  “No, I just want to be on my own right now.”

 
“I hate hearing you upset like this.”

  “It just hurts, that’s all – knowing that both our hearts are breaking but we still can’t be together.”

  That night in bed, I was lying back against Ben’s bare chest. He was reading his book and I was rubbing hand cream into the backs of my hands.

  “I hope she’s okay?” I said again. “Maybe I should have just gone over there to check if she’s okay?” I sat up and turned towards him.

  “But she said that she wanted to be on her own, Kate – you have to respect that.”

  “Yeah, you’re right,” I sighed, sinking back down on my pillow. “This is going to be so hard on her though – she really fell for him.”

  “Well, you’re just going to have to be there for her and help her through it.”

  “I know. I have to say, though, I’m very relieved – I was getting really worried about the whole situation.”

  “Yeah, it’s hard on her having to go through this but it’s for the best – it could have got very messy if his wife found out.”

  “Yeah, you’re right.” I sighed and lay back against his chest and he hooked his arm around me as he continued to read his book. “Ben?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m very lucky to have you – I don’t think I tell you enough.”

  He put the book down and looked at me. He wasn’t used to such bursts of emotion from me. “Are you feeling okay?”

  I laughed and gave him a kiss on the lips.

  Chapter 12

  The next morning, I pressed snooze on my alarm clock before I eventually dragged myself out of bed. I got into the shower and then dressed. I texted Nat to see how she was and to tell her not to bother coming in if she wasn’t up to it, I could hold the fort. When I was finished I blow-dried my hair and checked to see if she had replied but there was no message back from her, which made me anxious. She was normally quick to text back.

  With a slice of toast in my hand, I kissed Ben goodbye and hurried to the Tube station. I held my Oyster Card up to the reader at the turnstile but the barrier didn’t open and then I remembered that I hadn’t topped it up. The man behind me sighed loudly so that I, and the whole Tube station, knew he wasn’t impressed with me. I felt the knots tighten in my shoulders as I moved out of his way and went over to the machine. Finally, when I had money on my card, I made my way to the platform and stood there shoulder to shoulder with every other weary commuter, all wishing that we were still in bed.

  I came up from the Tube and, as I walked under the archway of the Ritz, I checked my watch. It was already five past nine. I hurried on half running, half walking, until I reached Jensen’s. I put the key in the door and went inside. I turned off the alarm, took the strap of my bag from around my neck and let it slide down my arm until it landed with a thump on the desk. I switched on the computer and while I waited for it to load up I went and made myself a cup of ginger tea. I came back out front and sat down and started filing away invoices.

  A few minutes later I saw Nat’s head passing the window before breezing through the door. She literally had a spring in her step. I placed the folder I had just picked up back down on the desk in shock. As she got closer I could see that she was actually beaming. This was a very different woman to the one that I had spoken to last night. This was not a woman who had just broken up with the man she loved.

  “Eh, Nat, but did you win the lotto or something between last night and this morning?”

  “It’s even better. You’ll never guess what?”

  “Go on.” I said nervously, picking up my tea. I was dying to know what had brought about this transformation.

  “Well, a couple of hours after I got off the phone to you last night, Will showed up on my doorstep. He’s left her.” Her voice was triumphant.

  “What?” I accidently banged the mug on to the desk with the shock.

  “Yeah, I know! Can you imagine how shocked I was?”

  “Wow!” I was stunned. “But I thought you said he would never leave his wife and kids?”

  “That’s what I thought but I guess when it came down to it he just didn’t want to be without me.” Her face broke into a big grin.

  “So he’s moving in with you then?”

  “Uh huh – for the time being anyway – and we might look at getting somewhere else when things settle down a bit.”

  “Jesus.”

  She grinned widely as she took off her furry gilet and hung it over the back of the chair.

  “Are you sure this is what he wants? I mean, it’s a big step leaving his wife and children.”

  “I know, Kate, but I never once asked him to leave them. This was entirely his decision. Of course he’s a bit hurt and lost but this is what he wants so I’m going to help him through it.”

  “And how’s his wife doing?” All I could think about was this poor woman who was probably falling apart right now behind the four walls of some big posh house in Chelsea.

  “Well, Will said she was devastated . . .” She trailed off.

  “I bet she is.”

  “Look, it’s difficult for everyone involved but hopefully things will settle down soon for the boys’ sake.”

  “Well, it’s going to be tough – I hope you know that?”

  “Kate, please, I know things are going to get worse before they get better but isn’t it better for the boys to have parents who are happy instead of making each other miserable?”

  “That’s not for me to say.”

  “Oh Kate, just for once can you not at least try to be happy for me?” she said wearily before storming off into the kitchen.

  I had to admit that this really had shocked me. This was the last thing I’d expected. I was obviously happy for Nat that he loved her enough to choose her over his family but, on the other hand, there was a family out there that had just been ripped apart because of her and it was hard to jump up and down to celebrate about it.

  The rest of the morning went by with Nat and me barely speaking to each other. When I was going up to the deli at lunchtime, I offered to buy her a sandwich but she said she would pick something up later. So I went and bought my sandwich and took it to the park to eat it.

  We didn’t really say much to each other for the rest of the afternoon. I heard her and Will on the phone making arrangements for him to get keys cut so I got stuck into tidying up the press release that I had drafted before sending it out. I needed to check with Nat to confirm if one of the photographers who had been a bit indecisive about coming on board had made up his mind yet.

  “Has Darryl Jones come back to you yet?” I said when she was finished on the phone.

  “Nope.” Her eyes were fixated on the brochure in front of her.

  “He’s not interested then?”

  “Nope.”

  “So he’s definitely not going to do it?” I asked.

  “That’s what I said, didn’t I?”

  “All right! I was just checking.”

  It was uncharacteristic of her to be snappy with me and I didn’t like it. She was my best friend but lately we just seemed to be constantly at each other’s throats and it was all because of Will. I was glad that I had to leave early anyway that day because I had a check-up in the hospital.

  “Okay, well, I’m off so I’ll see you tomorrow then,” I said, picking up my satchel and slinging it around my neck.

  “Bye.” She didn’t even bother to look up at me.

  I met Ben outside the hospital and we walked to the antenatal clinic together. We sat down on the plastic seats in the waiting room and waited to be called. When I told him what had happened, he couldn’t believe it either.

  “What?” He was as stunned as I was. “He left his wife and kids for Nat?”

  “Yep.”

  “So that’s it now? They’re shacked up together in Nat’s place?”

  I nodded.

  “Well, I hope Nat knows what she’s letting herself in for! The whole thing could get really messy if things get bitter. He’l
l be dragged through the courts, custody battles, the lot!”

  “I know, that’s what I’m afraid of – you know what Nat is like – she’s so soft, she’d never be able for anything like that.”

  “Well, you can bet your house on it that his wife is going to take him to the cleaners and screw him for every last penny.”

  “If we had a house,” I sighed wearily. “I can’t say I blame her though.”

  All was going well with Baby Pip – she was growing away and doing everything she was supposed to do. It really was amazing every time to see her. I could never get bored of watching her. I could see her practising her swallowing. Her arm was over her eyes.

  “I think your baby is a little camera-shy today,” our sonographer said.

  Ben was leaning forward, studying the screen intently.

  “Stop trying to peek at the sex!” I said.

  He sat back on the chair again. “I can’t help it. It’s killing me not knowing!”

  Chapter 13

  “C’mon, we’d better make a start at hanging some of these photos.” I sighed wearily. The exhibition was taking place the following day and we liked to have the photos up the day before so we could spend the day itself doing all the last-minutes bits and pieces. I was sitting on the top step of the gallery while Nat was standing on the stepladder.

  “To the left a bit,” I directed.

  “There?”

  “A little bit more. Stop.”

  “There?”

  “Hmmh, just a tiny bit to the right . . . hang on, stand back for a sec.”

  She climbed down from the ladder and we both stared at the photo on the wall.

  “Looks good to me,” she said.

  She picked up another one and dragged the ladder across the floor to do the same thing again.

  “Look, Nat, I’m sorry about the other day – of course I am happy for you but it’s just a messy situation.” It had been two weeks since Will had left his wife for Nat. We’d had another argument about it a few days before and we still weren’t really on speaking terms. We communicated where necessary about things for the exhibition or when an email came in from Tabitha asking about something but that was the extent of it. I just wanted everything to be normal between us again. I hated this constant battling between us. Even when we were speaking, all it took was one stray remark to get Nat’s back up and unravel the whole thing again.